What Are Boundaries and How Can We Set Them?
The concept of boundaries seems so simple. You set a boundary for yourself, you tell others, and they follow it. Except it rarely works in that linear fashion. Others may not like your boundaries. Others may have their own boundaries that are in opposition to yours. Others may want you to follow theirs instead of yours.
What do we do in these situations?
Before we set boundaries, how can we tell if we want or need them?
Boundaries are limits that you set for yourself. How do we know if we need them or which ones are right for us? We think about what we want, how we want to be treated, and how we want to treat others. We look at external boundaries, how we interact with others, and goals we set for ourselves. We look at internal boundaries, whether we ruminate, if we distract ourselves, or if we just sit with what comes up for us.
We want boundaries that feel authentic to us. To figure out if a boundary might be right for us, examine what it feels like when we say “I want [this boundary]”?
Examining our expectations of our boundaries can help us articulate them
To decide what our boundaries are, it’s often helpful to first figure out what is making us set them in the first place.
Do we expect a certain reaction from someone? Do we expect that when we set these boundaries, that others will immediately respect and follow them? If our boundaries are dependent on others, they can become muddled and we might get confused or frustrated.
Say my desired boundary is that when I speak, I expect the other person to listen. But since that is contingent on the other person staying quiet, what if they don’t? Then it’s not a clear boundary anymore and I may not know how to act.
On the other hand, if I ask to have the space to speak and be heard, and if that does not happen, I can leave the conversation. That the situation is more in my control because my reaction is in my control.
Defining what motivates us to set boundaries can help us create the boundary itself
When we set boundaries, what motivates us to set them? Are we feeling anxious? Angry? Ashamed? Frustrated? This may be a good indicator that we want boundaries. It’s helpful to identify what is causing us to want the boundaries so we know what boundaries to set. Increasing our awareness in our body and our mind helps.
However, if we create boundaries out of activated emotions or feelings, we may be obscuring other steps of the boundaries that we need. Identifying that we feel a certain way and that boundaries are needed is just more information to make us aware. If it comes from a place where we feel we respect ourselves, it hinges less on expectation or reactions from others.
If we can access our ability to feel grounded, compassionate, and connected, we’ll be able to see a wider picture of what are the boundaries we want to implement, and what that may look like for us.
Rather than being rigid, boundaries can actually help us ride emotional waves
Boundaries are not simple. They can be great, but they are not simple. When we implement boundaries, we may get pushback. We may get ignored. Other people may cut us off. Setting boundaries can be really messy, and that’s ok.
When we implement boundaries, we get a range of emotions that come up for us that allow us to modify or adapt our boundaries. This allows us to ride the wave of emotions and see how our boundaries are working for us.
When we get pushback, it can be because changes are scary. Even if changes are for the better, they are still scary. But creating boundaries can allow us to feel more open and make more space for ourselves. Rather than being rigid, boundaries can actually help us ride emotional waves. Then we realize that there’s enough space for all of us.
To create a mental or emotional boundary, try creating a physically symbolic one
Setting boundaries can be hard. Sometimes it’s hard to separate other people’s voices from infringing on us, causing us to fear or be confused about what we want. Here’s a tip that can help separate those voices.
If you have a blanket or scarf, you can put it around you on the floor, or you can wrap it around you. It can be as wide or small as you like it. In that circle, under that shield, there is your boundary. That is your space. You get to reflect on what you want to do. You can ask your emotions and your parts to step outside of the circle. You can experiment with your comfort zone.
To create a mental or emotional boundary, try creating a physically symbolic one. A symbolic boundary can be so powerful. Let yourself feel that power.